Mysterious Kung Fu Fighting Technique

(photos clockwise from left; Joe attempting to engage an opponent; Joe receiving a bite; Joe maneuvering into the Blob Move)



Joe is stubborn in his own way, refusing to fight like a puppy, preferring sparring partners far older and bigger, and is absolutely relentless – whether ‘winning’ or losing.

Many of the venerated Kung Fu fighting styles have names revealing the source of their inspiration: Black Crane, Praying Mantis, Monkey, Southern Wolf.

Today, I tried to discern what fighting technique Joe employed. His strategy was absolutely consistent. He would approach the opponent with his head ducked, his eyes eagerly up, grinning a puppy-smile. He would then be sent spinning unceremoniously to the ground, pinned and held down by the scruff of his neck while he wiggled with uncontained glee. As he spent much of his time pinned on his back, I had ample opportunity to reflect upon his method.

It was obvious, even to Joe, that his opponents had quicker reflexes. The Masters among them possessed explosive moves that launched them skyward, blocks that sent Joe flying and leaps that rocketed them to safety. One able opponent, a two year old, red, Doberman bitch possessed the ‘Red Eagle’ style, where she would descend upon Joe from on high and pinion him to the ground. Later, a lighting-quick, 4 month old Vizsla pup demonstrated the ‘Twirling Chinese Acrobat’ style, whirling out of Joe’s reach and then flipping him onto his back.

Clearly Joe had to develop a new style based on his abilities:

- His paw technique is focused, he feints and parries, striking solidly in the air – long after the target has disappeared.
- Joe is bursting with puppy energy, yet he’s slow. Very slow. Slower than dogs 10 years older, so slower than Grandma Mabel at 72.
- Joe lacks balance, economy or elegance in his movement. It is fair to say he trundles along in the best of circumstances and plows through in the scrum.
- He cannot catch even a Pug, nor can he escape from anyone. He lacks quickness and can only execute 1 move to another dog’s 4.
- As far as form, when he runs all his momentum is transferred into flopping and bobbling, as if he’s part Jello. This squid-like undulation underlies most of his movements.

So his strengths are equivocal, except perhaps for courage and persistence. He also demonstrates an unshakeable amiability. Even when he’s getting the very worst of it, Joe doesn’t lose his good humor; when he’s driven another dog to murderous rage Joe doesn’t lose his sense of supreme enjoyment; even when bitten with the dreaded Cobra Move, Joe loses none of his enthusiasm.

With his only strengths being relentless, somewhat strong and excessively single-minded, Joe forged a new technique.

On his low-slung, little legs, Joe learnt to lower his head nearly to the ground, thus situating his sharp, new teeth in perfect position to fasten around an ankle, the rear ankle being preferred as it is far from the opponent’s fangs. Joe has learned to slither around ankles, wresting one in his grasp, throwing his weight into the dog’s leg, sometimes bringing it down. This Black Land Shark Technique both distracts and irritates the opponent, forcing them to fight with Joe.

If the opponent dog ends up on the ground, then Joe then launches the Blob Move. With the other dog down, Joe just heaves his bulk on top of them. He can’t pin, or straddle – but he can lay over the other dog using his weight to keep them down. Since he often chooses larger opponents this ‘dead weight’ method is hilariously ineffective. He is shaken off like a pillow from a Hippo’s back.

It is always an honor to be present at the birth of a new Kung Fu Fighting Style, The Black Land Shark Technique with its signature Blob Move.

It is impossible for me not to admire Joe’s cheerful optimism, so foreign to me, even as it reveals an inability to perceive reality.